Spilling the Bottle

My dad has always been the type of person who thinks before he speaks, bottles up his frustration, researches before he takes action and has a very controlled disposition. My mom has always been outspoken, openly opinionated and creative in her thinking. What is amazing about them is that after 39 years of marriage they have their moments of perfect synchronization and moments of disconnection. But, overall they compliment each other in a way that most couples would envy. They love each other for their perfections as much as their imperfections. This is not to say that they have not had their moments of discord and strains during their marriage. What they have had the majority of their marriage is the ability to adapt and use their behaviors to promote harmony and productivity.

As their daughter I have taken on both of their traits.

At my best, I am creative in my ways in raising my daughter. I am patient with her. I am controlled in my behavior and actions. I make sure I am familiar with what is best for her. I think about what I am going to say so that she will understand what I am trying to teach her.

Where I fell short is in my marriage. I bottle up all of my feelings (mostly the bad ones). I think and think without action because I get so tired from thinking. I don't shut up once the bottle is too full. If something isn't done when I want it and how I want it I nag and nag until I get frustrated. Because I hate being a nag I have a tendency to simply bottle my frustration up. I like to research everything so that I am not acting impulsively causing me to delay on execution. I can be outspoken and hard headed when I have completed my research and know the facts about what I am dealing with. My husband never learned how to deal with my behaviors. He never learned how to adapt to them. I just continued to bottle up everything. The only thing left for me to do was to explode.

What I am learning through therapy is that it is not the outcome I have control over it is my behavior and actions I need to control. This is the approach I have always taken with my daughter. It is easy to do that with children because they are so unpredictable, but at a point in their life that you can mold and direct them. Adults are harder to do this with which is part of the reason my marriage was not a success. I have to learn how not to let my bottle fill up too much, what to spill and when to spill it.