Sunday, November 9, 2008

NaBloPoMo 9: The Answer

Six years ago today I stood on a beach in Maui and pledged my love and life to a man that I was deeply in love with. I saw a future that was filled with potential, success, and balance thanks to hard work. So, what happened?

I have been wondering that since I filed for separation. There are so many things that contributed to my decision, but I am not going to share them out of respect to Hubs and our family. This is not the place to "air the dirty laundry of my marriage." During many conversations (or fights) Hubs and I have had over the past few months he has mentioned "You knew who you were marrying." I know that I did not marry him to change him. So, what happened?

Before I left for my Maui R&R vacation I asked my Plurk friends to recommend a book I could read sitting on the beach while drinking a Mai Tai. It had to be a non-self help and not depressing. The incredibly insightful Donna Daritan suggested Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I had seen this book on the shelf while walking through the bookstore, but I never knew what it was about. So, I Googled it and found that it is about the author's journey to find herself, inner peace, happiness and spirituality after her difficult divorce. I bought the book that afternoon.

I love this book. It felt like Elizabeth Gilbert was writing my life, my dreams, my heart, my needs. But, there was one specific passage that answered my question:

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency no only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

Six years ago today I was looking into the eyes of a man I knew Hubs could be. I was in love with his potential. I took to heart his dreams and promises. It is not his fault that he did not, or has not, fulfilled my expectations. It is my own fault that I set them and fell in love with them. I know I can not make him become what I think he can be. I realize now that I should have been in love with who he is so that if he excels it would be "gravy."

As I wrote before, I am not sorry about my separation. I am sad. It was my own optimism that broke my heart.

wedding day


  1. Very well said. Very very well said. I think that I have this same exact problem. I want so much and hope for so much and really believe that he can give it to me and when it comes down to it, I get disappointed. Gawd.

  2. I SO get that. And what Miss said. This definitely makes it easier to understand why we're all friends.

  3. I get it, too. Have been meaning to read that I must!

  4. Awww Nicole!
    Thanks for mentioning me!!!
    It's (I think) the first time someone mentioned me by my full name for a book I've recommended to them! :p Thank you so much! I'm so honoured and most importantly I'm so happy that you've gain some insights from it. I can't wait to see what will unfold for you further in all areas of your life! ;-)

  5. You are a strong and beautiful woman, inside and out. It takes courage to find the truth like that within ourselves and even more so to share it. For too many, it's just too easy to place all of the blame on the other person without seeing what we brought into the situation and learning something from it. What a shame that would be, to go through something so painful and devastating and, well, just sad, and take nothing from it - but you are wiser than that. Stronger than that. More beautiful than that. Smooches to you. I'm proud to know you.

  6. Wow, that made me sad. I wish you the best of luck.

  7. If I'm the author of the book, I will be touched after reading your post ...

  8. lovely post N.

    thinking of you.

  9. I'm so sorry to hear about these tough times that you've been going through. I also read Eat Pray Love recently & was certainly changed & for the better! It sounds like this experience has & will continue to strengthen you as a woman, human & mother. I wish you the best outcome possible.

  10. I feel like you're speaking straight to me - wonderful blog. I'm at a similar point in my life. I should get that book!