Six years ago today I stood on a beach in Maui and pledged my love and life to a man that I was deeply in love with. I saw a future that was filled with potential, success, and balance thanks to hard work. So, what happened?
I have been wondering that since I filed for separation. There are so many things that contributed to my decision, but I am not going to share them out of respect to Hubs and our family. This is not the place to "air the dirty laundry of my marriage." During many conversations (or fights) Hubs and I have had over the past few months he has mentioned "You knew who you were marrying." I know that I did not marry him to change him. So, what happened?
Before I left for my Maui R&R vacation I asked my Plurk friends to recommend a book I could read sitting on the beach while drinking a Mai Tai. It had to be a non-self help and not depressing. The incredibly insightful Donna Daritan suggested Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
. I had seen this book on the shelf while walking through the bookstore, but I never knew what it was about. So, I Googled it and found that it is about the author's journey to find herself, inner peace, happiness and spirituality after her difficult divorce. I bought the book that afternoon.I love this book. It felt like Elizabeth Gilbert was writing my life, my dreams, my heart, my needs. But, there was one specific passage that answered my question:
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency no only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
Six years ago today I was looking into the eyes of a man I knew Hubs could be. I was in love with his potential. I took to heart his dreams and promises. It is not his fault that he did not, or has not, fulfilled my expectations. It is my own fault that I set them and fell in love with them. I know I can not make him become what I think he can be. I realize now that I should have been in love with who he is so that if he excels it would be "gravy."
As I wrote before, I am not sorry about my separation. I am sad. It was my own optimism that broke my heart.
