Thursday, January 29, 2009

100 Random Things About Me: I Am What I Am

I thought that I had forgotten myself over last year. That somehow I had turned into a shell of my former self. It wasn't until recently that I realized I had not forgotten myself, I simply wasn't utilizing the best of ME. I now realize that what makes me ME are not only my strengths, but also my biggest weaknesses. So, to add to my list of random things here are my qualities:

41) I am organized. My mom always says that she never had to tell me to clean my room. I was born organized. It wasn't until when my college friends teased me about my closet not only being organized by color but also by sleeve length or how I would organize my grocery cart that I realized I had a bit of OCD. With a lot of focus I loosened up my need to organize everything so that I would seem a bit more "normal", but every time I came home for the weekend from college my dad would know I had been there because laundry would be folded and put away "just so". I like things to be in their place especially since my townhouse is small, it keeps it looking clean and saves time trying to find things in the morning when trying to rush out of the house. My job requires organizational skills to handle juggling multiple clients, creation of project plans and documents, and multi tasking. It is a bit of a talent and a bit crazy at the same time. If things are not put back like I organized it I get a bit stressed out and this seemed to take a bit of a toll on my marriage. My X felt like he couldn't do anything without me right behind him redoing what he had just done, so he simply gave up doing things. We are two different people ... me thriving on organization and him, well, not.

42) I am passionate. When I get fixed on a task or a person I make sure I put 100% of me into it or them. Take this blog for example ... I love writing, I love taking photos, I love the comments, I love the ability to reach out and meet new people. Do I really have the time to post as often as I do? Probably not, but I can't imagine my life with out it. My passion for things or people have led me astray at times. Clouding the reality of a situation because I can only imagine the end result instead of what is going on at the present. My passion has also brought me great things ... my relationship with my family, my daughter, my friends and my job.

43) I am responsible. I have always believed that I am responsible for my life and those around me. I was the breadwinner in my marriage, always maintaining the stable job. I work long, hard hours to make sure I keep the job that pays the bills, puts food on the table and provides stability. My need to always be responsible has brought me a lot of stress. I get so focused that I actually forget the joys in life. I get so wound up I forget my own needs. I take on so much that I leave no time for myself. Yet, I have what I have because of my responsibility.

44) I am giving. I strive to make the ones I love happy. I used to never forget a birthday, gave gifts even when I had no money and attend every event I was invited to whether or not I wanted to be there. After a difficult day at the office I would tend to our daughter, make dinner, wash dishes, get our daughter ready for bed, then would get on the computer to complete 2 more billable hours of work, pick up the house, throw in a load of laundry and then I would finally get some sleep. At no time did I ask for help simply because I didn't want to bother my X from whatever it was he was doing. I give 100% of myself in any relationship without asking for anything back. I have lost myself in relationships and have ended up with nothing in return.

45) I am faithful. Some might scoff at this since the fact is I am the one who walked away from my marriage. When really I had been faithful to my X for the 8 years we were together. I worked hard asking for nothing in return. I took care of our home and daughter never asking for a break or help. Something had to give. It wasn't until the bottom fell out that I realized my faith had made me blind and I couldn't keep it up. I have faith in people that their graciousness will override their selfishness. Sometimes I am right, but when I am wrong I still don't walk away even if it hurts me. I am faithful to others, but have learned that I need to be faithful to myself too.

I am learning how to balance myself so that I don't simply follow my natural instincts and forget my needs. Even more importantly I am trying to teach my daughter the positives and the negatives of these qualities so that she can be her best self. Finally, my goal is to have a partner in life that doesn't take advantage of my qualities, but helps me control and balance them, and who loves me because of them.

"This above all: to thine own self be true."
~ William Shakespeare

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  1. Hi RLM,
    After reading this, with all these qualities, I am sure that you will find someone who loves you for who you.
    Never give up that dream! (",)

  2. I keep saying it and I dont plan on stopping: You AMAZE me. I think that these past months you have really FOUND yourself. We all have shitty days, shitty months. But you've come through them. With grace and beauty. And I can only hope to be half as good at that as you are some day.