A couple of months after I walked away from my marriage my parents took me to Maui for some much needed sun, sand, and much needed sleep. I reached out to the interwebs to recommend a good book for me to read to help get my mind off things. A non-self help book, but something that would "move" me. The overwhelming suggestion was Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
by Elizabeth Gilbert.The interwebs were right. Eat, Pray, Love was the perfect book to read at that time in my life.
I was so conflicted. I married for love, but I was no longer "in" the marriage. I didn't want to be a divorcee with a young child, but I knew it was time to walk away. I felt guilty and was tired of feeling guilty when I knew I had done everything I could to provide and support my husband. It was supposed to be forever, but after 8 years had felt like forever had come and was long gone. I needed an answer to why I felt the way I did. Then I read it:
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
As an English major I have read a lot of books. Fiction, non-fiction, biographies, self help. I have been moved by some incredible writing, but no book has ever given me that "ah ha" moment like this.
By Elizabeth Gilbert's definition he was my soul mate. Because of him I learned how to be juggle a full time career while being a single mom, that I need passion that challenges and listens to me, that I nag way too much if dependability and responsibility by my partner fails, I can communicate well when not responded with pouting and excuses, I deserve time alone to be creative and brain dead, that my life has to not have extremes in order for me to feel serenity. He shook up my life and belief in myself. With him I lost control of me because I tried so hard to control him.
I was making the right choice to leave in order to let the light shine in and for my heart to open up. Let the transformation begin.
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