Thursday, November 20, 2008

NaBloPoMo 20: Little Black Cloud

There are times in our lives when it seems like a little black rain cloud seems to be following you around constantly raining on your sunny day. It seems like the people around you bask in the sunlight of grace and abundance. But, most of the time the little black cloud moves on. Then there are people who seem to ALWAYS have a little black cloud constantly in their life, never dissappearing, never running out of rain. Their puddle starts to dampen the ground under all who try to share some of their sunshine. Everything you do to help the person get rid of their little black cloud doesn't seem to work. It becomes too hard to stay close to these people.

This was my marriage.

I find it ironic that when I met Hubs he was living in Seattle where it is cloudy an average of 226 days per year. He had moved there from San Diego to "get way" and really loved living there.* I was living in San Francisco at the time. The constant grey summers were not my favorite times of the year there. As a SoCal girl I love the sunshine. I like warm (not hot) weather even though I do enjoy sunny, chilly winter days (hint, hint Mother Nature we are starting to melt). I am a natural optimist. My nickname in middle school was Sunshine.

So, when a little black cloud took up residence over our marriage I figured it would eventually go away. Hubs reassured me every time I started to panic that there were brighter days ahead. But, the little black cloud wasn't going away. It seemed to be getting bigger and starting to soak everything around us. I had to do something.

The reality is that we can control those little black rain clouds. That is not to say misfortune doesn't happen. It certainly does, look at our economy. But, we can control how we react to it, how we deal with it, how we share it with others.

There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life - whether I will see them as curses or oppotunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts. ~Elizabeth Gilbert

I no longer wanted to wait for the little black rain cloud to go away on its own. I was getting mad that Hubs didn't seem to mind the little black rain cloud. So, I found an "umbrella".

If I can see nothing but my troubles, I am seeing with limited vision. Dwelling on these troubles allows them to control me. Of course, I need to do whatever footwork is required, but I also need to learn when to let go. ~Courage to Change

The rain cloud is gone, but the ground under my feet is still soaked. It has only been 3 months since I walked away, but I can already feel and see a difference. Some people have mentioned that I look so much better, that I seem happy, that they were surprised it has only been 3 months. Thanks to a great therapist, a support group, my family, my friends, this blog I have taken control and found opportunity for a life filled with sunshine again. I am doing the footwork. I am rising back up to an optimistic viewpoint. I am going to live up to that nickname again.

*Disclaimer: I am not going to elaborate about Hubs' life and our "dirty laundry" ... this blog is about yours truly!


  1. Sometimes the most important decisions are the most difficult obviously this was one of those times. My divorce was two years ago (almost exactly) and in some ways I'm still righting the ship. However, for the most part life has settled in and people are also saying to me "you are like your old self again." I take that as validation of a difficult but good decision. It sounds like the same can be said for you. :)

  2. Honestly I am not sure how to get what is in my heart into word at the moment, so instead, I will leave you HUGS!!!

    You go girl!

  3. Yay for sunshine. I'm so glad you're becoming YOU again :)

  4. What a wonderful victory for you to break away from the rain cloud--congratulations! The sun is always brighter after a storm. Best of luck!

  5. Yay for sunshine and optimism and being proactive about who you are and the person you want to be.

    I blogged about something similar today as well.

    Blessings for your journey!

  6. I just wanted to thank you for your post. Someone in my life lives under a black cloud and it is a revelation to think that actually I could get an umbrella.

    Your post is beautifully written - I'm off to read some more now!

  7. Wow. Good for you for taking that step to get back into the sun. It's always tragic to see the end of something so big, but as you say, sometimes you must know when it's time to walk.
    All the best to you and 'Ny. I know she's got a strong Mom to lead her.

  8. I really like the way you worded this... So profound and causes me to think about my own dark cloud.

  9. That is really awesome. It is always inspiring to me when I see others make a stand for themselves. Personally, I think it is the hardest thing in life to do. Kudos.

  10. I need to learn how to say 'proud' in other languages. I'm really getting unoriginal-seeming.