Somewhere along the way I stumbled. My greatest personality traits became my biggest faults. I could no longer look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. Visualizing my future as anything but a constant struggle prevented me from having happy dreams. I cared so much for others I forgot to care about myself.
How did I get like this?
In January I attended a company conference. It was my first time in a long time that I was completely out of my daily grind. I was on the other side of the country sans Princess D in a gorgeous hotel room all to myself. Instead of Disney/Dora language I talked in internet geek/project management language. I drank a good amount of wine knowing I didn't have a little kid waking me up in the middle of the night, but not too much that I couldn't make it to the next morning work session. I smiled, laughed and danced ... a lot! I was relaxed and happy. Apparently is shined through!
Once I got home after a whirlwind 4 days of conferencing I started to fall back into the same person I had left behind. I started to fade into the background. I started to shy away from the mirror. I struggled making decisions that would only benefit myself.
Why was I letting myself go backwards?
Since the conference a friend has been challenging me more and more to see myself as perfectly beautiful inside and out. My therapist is helping me rebuild my strength and confidence. And, I need to trust that I am a phenomenal woman and learn to let that woman who was at the conference shine through during my daily grind. I need to be teaching Princess D to have a good self esteem by having one myself.
Indeed you do. But you already know that, and it is you, and only you, that can take that attitude. Which you totally should.
ReplyDeleteWho wants to go out with a supermodel? they ain't so super.
funny how we seem to lose ourselves with children, and then find it again when we are without them. i try so hard to balance "myself" with the needs of my son...sometimes i take the front seat and it can make me feel guilty..but a happy momma makes for a happy kid
ReplyDeleteYou should totally be yourself & good luck to becoming that person in every day life - your ability to see that and desire to achieve that, will guarantee your success if reaching that mentality!
ReplyDeleteI hope that your friend continues to challenge you so that you keep striving for more and your therapist continues to help so that you get to a place where you feel happy with yourself.
Single Parent Dad - SPOT ON! So called "supermodels" aren't at all good in any way!
We will always be our own harshest critic when looking in the mirror. You need to look and smile even if it's forced to be reminded of the happy you. However, if you can harness what makes you feel beautiful inside, what makes your heart flutter with happiness inside, you will not need to force that smile and the glow that radiates will make you more beautiful than you could imagine. Everyone will see it and everyone will smile from it. You have a beautiful princess, let her ignite the radiance. The rest of you will fall in line.
ReplyDeleteBesides, supermodels seem so shallow and often quite lonely. Something in their faces always seems like they would trade places with you in a second because there's no love in the attention from a camera lens, unlike the love in attention from your child.
(GEEZ WTF EVER)(yea, you know what I mean)
ReplyDeleteANYWAYS,
I love you. I have to tell you. Whenever I am with you, I am literally blinded by the radiance that shines off of you. I've watched your heart light up when you are with D, or when you get that certain message or phone call and I've witnessed the one thing that dims that light. I want to kick THAT in the balls but you know I wont. ;-) You are above that one thing and every single moment that it isnt bringing you down, you are fucking beautiful.
Dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
You're right about us being incredibly critical of ourselves, that of ourselves our perception is skewed slightly.
ReplyDeleteAs that's the case I try not to take my personal critisms too harshly, and use other peoples thoughts (the other people being people I love and adore and trust) to soften the blow. Usually, when The Boy or my BFF compliment me, or tell me I'm pretty, or beautiful or whatever I usually just tell them to shut up.
Lately, I've been using the comments and trying to see the truth in them, trusting that in their eyes I really am, and trying to see that too.
If you can't trust in yourself, trust in the people you love?
You ARE a phenomenal woman inside and out.
ReplyDeleteI've seen it - inside and out, so I speak with some authority.
So will you just hush and pass me a cheeseburger?
BWAHAHAA!
(Hugs)
Good luck with this =) I've not been reading long, but I know you're worth the extra effort and I hope that you're able to rediscover your self-esteem sooner than later.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing you can teach a small girl is that women are awesome. You are awesome. You are beautiful. You have a lot to offer. Now breathe and look in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I know, from way the hell up here: you are simply radiant. Beauty, whether it's in relation to muscles or waist-to-hip ratio, or freckles and scars and stretch marks, truly is erased and created by attitude.
ReplyDeleteThere's no one that can tell you that you're beautiful that will make you believe it 24/7, but the feeling of being beautiful, creating good energy and adding positives to the world? Far out-shines anything concealer or highlights or new boobs can give any supermodel.
ps. you don't have to be pretty to be a model. You have to have the bone structure and the genericness to wear 100 different faces.
You are nearly perfect. Feel that and you'll BLIND yourself when you look in the mirror, because you'll shine so bright.
xo
You can do it! Hug yourself! Accept compliments!
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine has two kids and is happily married, and related to me that even though she is often dressed quite frumpy, men come on to her because she is so confident and comfortable in her own skin.
You'll get there!