I always thought of myself as being "real". I am not your stereotypical Southern California "barbie" or "plastic". My X even considered me to be too open and outspoken about certain things. I am always honest when people ask for my opinion or critique. It was because of these characteristics that I never realized what was happening to me.
The entire time I thought I was being so "real" I was actually becoming less and less every time I bottled up a concern or a moment of anger or disappointment. In order to control everything I bottled up I had to put on a smile, make up a story, pretend nothing happened. I wrote happy-go-lucky posts about motherhood (with an adorable little kid like Princess D it was easy to do that), but what about my life outside of "mommy".
I was always so concerned about everyone else's wants, needs, concerns and opinions that I completely forgot about my own. I never asked for anything in return in fear of the other person's response. I never expected anything because I just figured I would be let down. I apologized for things I had no fault in. I became loyal to everyone ... but myself.
I was no longer authentic.
What this has caused is for no one to know how I really feel about anything. People (even my X) are still shocked to find out how unhappy I had become. I guess I was good at hiding behind my smile. Since I didn't voice my feelings or needs it appeared like I was fine and needed nothing.
I have been in months of therapy and attending a weekly support group I am finally realizing my feelings and needs. What is even harder for me is being able to voice these without the fear of what other people think or how they will react. Even harder than that is learning how to deliver my thoughts and feelings clearly, gracefully and letting go after I say what I need to say.
I am learning all over again how to be authentic.
