Wednesday, November 3, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

I know that it was the right decision, but no matter what the reason was or how things are now I still feel this heavy guilt about my decision to break up my family.

My marriage was not good for me and I knew I would never be happy in it. I hoped that my decision would helped my X in the long and that someday he would understand why I had to end it. If I had stayed things would have only gotten worse. I would never have been able to forgive myself if I had put my daughter through that.

Guilt is sneaky. It creeps up and surprises you when you least expect it to. When it comes to my daughter it feels like a punch to the gut.

If she is at her father's and gets sick I know she wants to be with me, but she feels bad ending her visit with him early. PUNCH.

One night when I was putting her to bed she asked me when her and her dad would get married again. I had to explain that her dad and I would not be getting married, but someday I hope to marry The Boyfriend. PUNCH.

I know that as she gets older the decisions and questions will probably get harder. The only way I can prevent getting KO'ed is if I forgive myself now for raising her in a broken home, for putting her in a position of making tough choices at such a young age, for being the one to show her that not every wedding ends with happily ever after.

Forgiveness is hard, but it is even harder when it is yourself you have to forgive. I have to forgive myself because I love my daughter and part of my decision was to ensure her security.

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30 Days of Truth
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