Friday, December 12, 2008

Brew Coffee Not Anger

Anger is such an interesting emotion. It is not like being happy or sad with their immediate display of a smile or tears. Anger is like a a slow developing storm. You first know it is there like red skies in the morning. Then the clouds roll in covering up your reasoning. Slowly the rain and wind begin to rid your mind and heart of any sympathy or impulse. Once your anger has hit you it is officially out of control forcing you to ride it out. The anger floods your every being and soaks everything around you. Anyone that come close has a chance of getting struck with lightning or washed away. There is no sunlight until the storm passes. But, once it does the air is clear, the grass and plants are fed and the sunlight warms your soul.

Last week a storm hit me HARD. I am not an angry person. It is not in my nature. I can usually ride out these storms with no damage done. Last week was not the case. The right buttons were pushed at just the right time and the storm got the best of me.

It started on Wednesday. I hadn't seen my therapist the week before so a lot had been brewing without me really knowing that it was brewing. When I left her office I felt better having clarity of the things that had been brewing causing me to be more sensitive to everything that was causing the anger. That night I went to my support group and amazingly enough the topic was anger. By the time I got home the storm was no longer brewing ... it was upon me.

I call my X every night so he can talk to Princess D and say good night to her. This time he could hear the storm in my voice. He asked what was wrong ... button pushed. Things were said I never wanted to say ... not because they are bad, but because I knew they would never make a difference. I always make it a point to yell say things that are more thought provoking instead of simply hurtful. I don't like to insult because it does no good. I don't think I am better than anyone because I know I have my faults. I take all this into consideration with everything I say or write. But, there I was saying hurtful insulting things (at least they are in my book).

After an hour and fifteen minutes the argument had gotten us no where. Our heads were hurting from banging them into brick walls. I had missed putting my daughter to sleep. And, I had to work later to make up for lost time.

Thursday came and I felt worse than I had the day before. There was no warm sunlight. No clean air. The storm was lingering. Then I read a comment from an anonymous reader ... button pushed. I don't know if this reader has read any of my previous posts. I don't know if this reader knows me personally. All I knew was that this reader pushed my button with their comment. I unleashed in a responding post. But, this time I thought about what I wanted to say. I asked myself if I would learn something from writing this post. I thought about my purpose for responding. Was I being defensive by responding? Was I lashing out simply because I was mad? I wondered how can I have this reader and other readers learn more about me and themselves. I wrote quickly and furiously. I clicked the post button.

In that moment the rain stopped. The clouds started to break up. The blue sky peaked through. By the time new comments were posted to this post the sun was shinning again.

Friday morning I woke up and read a passage from my daily reading for my support group. It is things like this that make me believe there is a high being providing me strength. The passage reads:

Anger can give me an illusion of power. For a little while I may feel I have control over my situation and over other people, but that kind of false security always lets me down.

Arguing with my X was not a healthy way of expressing my feelings. Now I know why I bottle up ... words come out of my mouth faster than I can edit it. Writing allows me to express my feelings thoughtfully, picking the right words. I know that not everyone will agree or like what I write, but what I do write I do it with courage and faith that I am being true to myself because ultimately it is me I have to live with.

P.S. I apologize to Anonymous for the firestorm ... please keep reading and commenting. I appreciate every opinion and that my writing provoked you to comment. Everyone is entitled to their opinions as long as they are real and honest without intended insult or harm. If it wasn't for opinions the blogging world wouldn't be what it is. So please don't be scared to comment again.

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  1. We kinda talked about this. I really feel as if sometimes, getting angry IS ok. We need to feel anger sometimes to get past things that are bothering us. It's generally better to be angry alone, so that you are not tempted to lash out, but we arent always so lucky. I think all in all, you handled this well.

  2. More than handled it well, you learned from it. And that's kind of the main deal, right? We all get angry, it builds eventually for anyone, especially a single parent, but it's how we let it go and move on that matters most - what we do after it's over. I think.

  3. Thanks for sharing that anger quote - its great, and so are the two women who've already commented. :-)

  4. I know I have been down that road. My ex just walked away, not just from me, but from my daughters too. I think I could have handled it better if it hadn't been for the girls too. Every time I see him I just want to scream "Hey! You are missing the lives of these super great girls that are your children! How can you not care?" But it won't change a dang thing and it will only make it worse. I'd feel better for like a minutes, but that is it. It is so hard. I understand. I hope you don't mind me sharing. :)

  5. It's not often that blogging bring us a little self realization. Your words on anger hit home for me today.
    While it's not constructive to fight with your ex, it's human. Even when you're trying so hard to maintain the peace, some days you have to say the first thing that comes to mind. Glad the storm has passed you, and you're feeling the warmth of the sun again.