I don't remember when those dreams stopped and were replaced by dreams of loneliness and insecurity. The only dream I remember having in months is telling someone I loved them before they got on their flight back home and instead of saying I love you he turned and walked away never looking back to see how crushed I was (and the dream was in black and white).
My mom and teachers used to call me a day dreamer. Now my day dreams are quickly dashed by my need to be realistic -- what is on the "to do" list for the day, can I financially afford luxuries, how will what I do affect Princess D, will it cause friction between me and The X?
Tonight I sat in the shower crying. I have spent these last 6 month concentrated on discovering who I am - my shortcomings and getting rid of them, what I really want in life, and picking up the pieces. I didn't realize that a part of me is still really hurting. Dreaming has become painful for me. Even the word "dream" has almost become a bad word. I don't welcome sleep because of what dreams might come (or might not) which is why I haven't been going to bed willingly, but more out of obligation.
The dreams I had were crushed, torn apart and thrown away. Yet, new dreams haven't formed in their place. I want to be able to dream again. To wake up with that lovely dreamy feeling that carries you though the mundane day of work and obligations. To be able to share them with my daughter who is a dreamer herself.
Someday I will love to sleep again welcoming those technicolor dreams ... someday.
Holding on to the happy, hopeful dreams is one of the harder things to do when faced with hard times and insecurities. It's easier to get on with the here and now, rather than the hopeful.
ReplyDeleteAnd oh! Crying the shower . . . it's where I like to cry, too. No one interrupts, or tries to make you feel better while your in the shower.
I hope you regain your dreams, and feel more hopeful as time goes on!
Can I just say how refreshing it is to read such honesty even when it is melancholy honesty. There is a line in the movie Singing in the Rain that says "At last I can start suffering and write that symphony." I truly believe that your writing is the overture to what is becoming a gorgeous symphony. It is truly a privilege to hear the solemn refrain and I look forward to coda when suddenly your life builds to it's ultimate crescendo! In other words this is just chapter one in what will one day become a fabulous Oscar winning movie. Who will play you in the screenplay?
ReplyDeleteThe brightness in all of this is you're honest with yourself and others. You've been doing a lot of self discovery which can be exhilarating at times, and extremely painful at others, but so worth it. Sometimes it feels easier to be ignorant...but it's not! Alternate to "feeling everything" you could be in denial and ignorant of your growth, which is contrary to popular belief, is not bliss. Keep going girl! When you get through the pain, you'll feel the euphoria and see the world in bright color again. Life will be better than you ever imagined when you come out the other side.
ReplyDeleteI kind of envy having those to miss. But, I can understand that you must feel grief over it.
ReplyDeleteYou know, what you once had, you'll have again. Your brains just need a rest, I figure.
I send you love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI hope your tears are cleansing, giving you a deeper vision into the promising future ahead of you.
You are going to be fine. You really are. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a warm and caring mother. And as for what will happen? It can only happen because of what HAS happened - and everything happens for a reason. There will come a time in your life when you will look back at 'now' and say, "I had to go through that to get to this." And, somehow I feel that whatever that's going to be - it isn't that far off. Your cards are good - the Tarot says it's coming.
ReplyDeleteYour latest dream doesn't sound very nice. I had one like it recently too - the girl I love laughed at me when I proposed to her then my son did not want me in his life - it threw me into chaos for a few days but after hearing her voice and seeing my son sleeping in my arms, I am back to good dreams. Nightmares are built on my fears in the mind which are always irrational. Dreams are from the heart; my head was thinking so much that it was simply drowning out my heart’s voice – I couldn’t hear it properly. I have only recently (as soon as Christmas) learnt to quiet my mind so that I can hear my heart and now my dreams have returned. With all the progress you have made in the last few months, it will not be long till your mind is quiet again and your dreams will return that very night!
ReplyDeleteNo-one should be without a dream to aim for too long...I hope you find your technicolor dreams again soon.
horrible. poor you.
ReplyDeletehttp://momofboxer.blogspot.com/2009/02/if-ever-there-was-someone-to-keep-me-at.html
I think Charlie nailed it: "my head was thinking so much that it was simply drowning out my heart’s voice"
ReplyDeleteSometimes quieting our mind is the hardest thing, but it helps with so much. Time for some yoga.
Your dreams will be back sweetie. I know this, just give it some time.
You write with such description it really cought my attention. I find that often times when something painful has happened in my life, that maybe I was unable to really feel, really examine, it was easier to keep moving, leep occupied so as not to let it sink in... until months later I would be shell shocked to discover the pain that was sitting there waiting for me to stand still, to feel it and to own it. Only then was I able to really move on. I wish you the very best, I very much like your style of writing and look forward to reading more of you.
ReplyDeleteCat