Thursday, February 5, 2009

Lost Reverie

I used to have dreams in technicolor. Bright blue skies with cotton puff clouds over even bluer oceans with perfect color sand beaches peppered with dancing palm trees. Living in a gorgeous villa style home with kids playing while family and friends enjoyed a twilight BBQ in the back yard lit up with paper lanterns. Traveling to romantic cities in Europe or exotic places in Asia. I used to welcome sleep and not want to wake up.

Ka'anapali morning


I don't remember when those dreams stopped and were replaced by dreams of loneliness and insecurity. The only dream I remember having in months is telling someone I loved them before they got on their flight back home and instead of saying I love you he turned and walked away never looking back to see how crushed I was (and the dream was in black and white).

My mom and teachers used to call me a day dreamer. Now my day dreams are quickly dashed by my need to be realistic -- what is on the "to do" list for the day, can I financially afford luxuries, how will what I do affect Princess D, will it cause friction between me and The X?

Tonight I sat in the shower crying. I have spent these last 6 month concentrated on discovering who I am - my shortcomings and getting rid of them, what I really want in life, and picking up the pieces. I didn't realize that a part of me is still really hurting. Dreaming has become painful for me. Even the word "dream" has almost become a bad word. I don't welcome sleep because of what dreams might come (or might not) which is why I haven't been going to bed willingly, but more out of obligation.

The dreams I had were crushed, torn apart and thrown away. Yet, new dreams haven't formed in their place. I want to be able to dream again. To wake up with that lovely dreamy feeling that carries you though the mundane day of work and obligations. To be able to share them with my daughter who is a dreamer herself.

sun nap


Someday I will love to sleep again welcoming those technicolor dreams ... someday.


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