Letting the buoy go

My primary care physician put me on 10mg/day of Lexapro on August 27, 2008 the day after I had my biggest anxiety attack. It helps me allow my head to think before my heart takes over. And, it works. My daily cry-fests started tapering out to once a week (typically on Wednesdays after my therapy session and before my support group meeting that night). Now I only cry every other week.

Considering all of the major life changes I have been facing I think this limited amount of emotions is pretty darn good. But, there is a draw back. Things I would typically cry over (like sappy movies and commercials) don't seem to have the same impact. When I do cry, it takes me almost a full day to recover. I am exhausted by the end of the day and completely unproductive.

The week has been really challenging. I found myself a bit withdrawn, unhappy, and bordering on depressed. I couldn't figure out why. Princess D has been a love. My parents continue to stay strong and supportive. I have been writing a post almost every day and took some photos I am pretty proud of. My new relationship is developing better than I ever imagined it would. Work is ... well ... work. So, I couldn't figure out what was causing me to want to stand in the shower with the lights off for hours on end since I haven't been able to sleep.

Yesterday I spoke with my therapist about it and what she made me realize is that my heart is finally trying to catch up with my head. I have been so focused on trying to face the waves of life head on: learning how to be a single parent, doing my job just well enough to not get fired, rebuilding my budget, attempting to settle my divorce, and letting go of my home. I have been pushing my emotions and feelings down like a buoy in the water. When you let go of a buoy you have been pushing down it shoots up out of the water, lands back on the surface all wobbly until it figures out how to balance and flow with the waves.

So, next weekend after I have settled into my parents' home I am going to take long showers, attempt to sleep all day and redeem that gift certificate I got on Mother's Day for a massage. I am going to let the tears flow and let go of everything I have been pushing down. On the following Monday, I will start on the new path I have chosen to take with my head held high and my heart free of burden in an attempt find my balance again.