Thursday, November 13, 2008

NaBloPoMo 13: Tingling

I had this post written and scheduled for Tuesday morning, but something on Monday caught me off guard.

Sunday was my 6 year wedding anniversary. Instead of having a romantic celebration I spent the day at my in laws with Hubs there so they could visit with Little 'Ny while watching Charger football. No one brought up what day it was. No one asked about the separation. We just went about our day like usual, except when the game was over I went home with Little 'Ny and Hubs went back to his home. I didn't cry once that entire day.

Then Monday morning I read a comment my mother-in-law left on my post. Without realizing it I started crying. I went to the bathroom in my office building and the tears started coming out uncontrollably. It was like someone uncorked my emotions and the tears were spraying out of the bottle. I ran back to my desk, packed up my things and told my boss I was going home. Throughout the rest of the day I found myself crying sporadically.

Hubs has mentioned to me a few times that he doesn't understand how our marriage crumbled in just a couple of days, but what he does not realize is that it has been crumbling for me for quite some time. I lived in my own private slow moving avalanche. It must have something to do with my ability to "bottle" my feelings up. What I didn't notice is that my "bottling" was having a numbing side effect. I stopped laughing out loud at jokes. I wasn't crying when I received sad news. I couldn't respond to romantic gestures. I didn't get mad when something irked me. I was numb.

There were many times I found myself standing in the shower stewing over the latest aggravation. I formulated my arguments. Identified solutions. Imagined possible outcomes. But, like the shampoo in my hair and soap on my body, by the time I got out of the shower all of it was washed down the drain leaving me emotionally spotless.

This Hawaiian getaway helped reawaken my senses ... smell, touch, taste, sound, sight. I found myself waking up with the sunrise to listen to the waves crashing on the beach, photographing everything and anything to capture the vibrant Hawaiian colors, tasting the salty sea air on my lips after a windy day at the beach, trying to feel every grain of sand under my feet.

washed away

Every day a tingling sensation in my body increases more and more, like when the Novocaine that the dentist injects in your gum begins to wear off. This tingling sensation in my mind and heart have energized me, but it has also opened myself to feel the pain. Experiencing the pain has allowed me to look at where I have been, where I am at, and where I want to go. Obviously, I am still numbing my feelings at times. But, I am laughing again, I am crying again, I am reacting again and I am trying to be entirely present in those moments.


  1. That was lovely. I hope you fully "awaken" soon.

    Best wishes to you...

  2. This time in your life is such an important time girl. you are growing and experiencing things again. So many times we ignore the real feelings inside.

    I'm so proud of you!

  3. I know where you're coming from. I was there once. It is still a work in progress, but I am getting there too.

  4. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. :(

    All I can do is offer you my support and give you some much needed cyber (((HUGS)))


  5. Oh honey, this is beautiful.

    Keep taking care of yourself and the rest will follow.

    (((BIG HUGS)))

  6. At least you feel. Feeling is good, even when it hurts...

    Love love love

  7. Yup, present is good. Even if it's not.

  8. Wow. How did I miss this? What a beautiful post. Your words are so raw and true. *hug*

  9. I'm a bit late on this but I'm going through your blog backwards (having only just found it). It's incredible to read what you write and to realise that I'm not the only one. Thank you.

  10. TO: bsouth

    You are not alone. I thought for so long that I was. Then I reached out for help and support which made such a difference in my life. I am thrilled to hear that my writing is making a positive impact on you. It is the side ripple affect that takes place when you take care of yourself people take care of themselves.