Thursday, October 28, 2010

The next plan

This past week has been exhausting.

For the first few days after The Boyfriend went back to the UK I couldn't sleep well. I could not sleep without feeling him against me or his arms wrapped around me. I guess you could call it separation anxiety.

Then came the first of the bad news ....

PLAN B: The Boyfriend's ex-wife will relocate with their son to San Diego. This will allow The Boyfriend and I to get married and start our family.

Was it the bad weather? Was it being intimidated by all of the work it would take for her to get a visa? Did she not like me? Was seeing her son having fun in a family that didn't include her? We will never really know because she has given us every excuse with nothing really solid behind her decision.

Then came more bad news ...

PLAN C: The ex-wife allows their son to live with us so that he can be educated in San Diego. When school is on break he lives with her in the UK.

PLAN D: Their son visits us on his breaks from school in the UK. (She said maybe.)

All of the day dreams we started talking about out loud quickly got replaced by nightmares. My separation anxiety changed to full blown anxiety topped off with depression. Any control I thought I had I no longer have. I have been crying every day no matter how much The Boyfriend tries to convince me that we will get this worked out. Then I realized last night that there is only one thing I could control in this situation ... I could end our relationship.

But, I couldn't even bring myself to write it out. I knew that this option cannot be our list of plans. The heartbreak it would bring would be much worse than the wait for him to move. That realization alone has helped my anxiety and depression subside.

So where do we go from here? Keep focus on our next visit at the end of the year. Stay busy to fill up the lonely hours. Remember what brought us to this point.

late night conversation

Next plan ... try to sleep. Tomorrow could bring more news.